Ok, I admit it, Waterworld is garbage. Not appalling garbage. Not screaming, gouge out my eyes bad. Just regular bad.
I watched all but the last 15 minutes or so of it, and am actually quite eager to see the ending. I mean not enough to like, rent it, or look on the internet to see how it turned out, or anything, but you know, if it's on cable, and I'm awake, yet vegetative, I would tune in for the last half hour or so. Maybe even the first few minutes, to see how it started.
But.
But…
But, I am halfway through the Last Samurai, which, I might note, I haven't actually been watching, so much as it's been on TV while I've been on my computer. Oh, I forgot to mention, the sound to the movie has been turned off, so I can listen to independent Swedish radio stations streaming music over the internet.
And by all that is proper and holy, by Jesus, Mary, Joseph, and at least a good baker's dozen of saints, in the name of all that does not suck, this movie is bad. Like, I'm talking Syrup of Ipecac bad. Or even worse, it's an entire case of do not even induce vomiting, contact Poison Control immediately.
Wait - what the hell am I talking about? It's not that bad.
No.
Much worse.
I'm thinking hemorrhagic fever or pulmonary anthrax. Neutron bomb bad?
I'm sorry for that bout of poetic exaggeration. The movie really isn't as bad as nuclear war.
It's much worse. It's Ishtar bad.
Oddly, on an actually humorous note, I had building up to Ishtar bad, in anticipation of the battle scenes, which I was hoping would provide some measure of redemption to the movie. You know, explosions, tough guys, swords, you know the schtick.
Nope. No such luck.
I mean , yeah, the movie actually had all that stuff, but it too was executed poorly, sloppily, and just really didn’t provide any redemption. And battle scenes have to be pretty stupid to be better with the sound off.
I mean that's a pretty bad movie that manages to be so bad that you actually turn out to be right on target with hyperbole.
And this is coming from a guy who didn't think that Waterworld was the worst thing to every show up on celluloid.
On the bright side, however, it was the genisis of a new word: crapticity. As in the Last Samurai was breathtaking in the scope of its utter crapticity.
And before anyone starts with the wiseacre comments, Bernadelli gave LS 3.5/4 versus 3/4 for Waterworld. So this is within standard deviation for crapticity.
Launched by Bravo Romeo Delta at January 4, 2005 06:37 AM"Oddly, on an actually humorous note..."
I find myself wondering what your opinion of all that preceded that line was. Just because it's true, doesn't make it un-humorous.
Posted by: Patton at January 4, 2005 09:31 AMThat was (an evidently failed) attempt at humor about the humor. Very dry, tounge-in-cheek kind of thing.
But my word, that movie was bad.
Posted by: Bravo Romeo Delta at January 4, 2005 03:18 PMBut of course - and that was my point, tongue in cheek itself. Sort of. Pseudo-sly head-fakes are bad for my neck, it seems.
Posted by: Patton at January 4, 2005 06:54 PMPatton,
It's a good sign of the state of your tounge-in-cheek humor if you slipped one past someone who finds something faintly amusing about nuclear weapons.
Posted by: Bravo Romeo Delta at January 4, 2005 07:31 PMMy problem with the movie is historical, as it probably has to be. Basicly, it presents the Samurai as the pinnacles of honor and loyalty without discussing the fact that hwile they might be cool to each other, they were total bastards to those they saw as below themselves...which, it should be noted, was everyone else in the world.
An example I read elsewhere that I think is perfectly accurate is to make a movie about a samurai wandering around the South in 1865 and talking about how sad it is that this brilliant and honorable culture is being crushed by the barbarians from the North....without ever once mentioning slavery.
Its very "Pearl Harbor" in the way it fucks with history. Worse, even....which is saying a lot, given how bad PH is from a historical standpoint.
Posted by: CVE at January 4, 2005 08:43 PMCVE, my principle bitch with it.
Well, OK, there's not any favorite complaint (just like a parent with children) - I have many complaints and I value them all equally, although differently.
But let me start with this:
"Dances With Samurai"
'Nuff said.
Posted by: Bravo Romeo Delta at January 4, 2005 09:30 PM